ROBCO INDUSTRIES UNIFIED OPERATING SYSTEM

Can't A Guy Just Live?

I’m completely aware that I’m not okay, the stuff I listen to is not normal, the stuff I like isn’t normal, and I myself am not a normal person. But I am content with the kind of person I became, I liked my evolution. Though I have evolved because I had to adjust and mature to the situations that life has put me in. And boy I’ve been through a lot of shit, and I’m kind of proud of myself that I’ve gone through the process bravely and logically and that I didn’t just fall and give up to harm myself or attempt suicide. My dad and some friends have told me that I might need to go to therapy when I’m older, but if I made it this far I think I’m good. My mom has always been on shit for a long time. Basically the way I like to look at it, I’m not a happy person, I’m just happy to be alive and living with a roof over my head and food and running water. I want to preface by saying after everything she’s done to me, I still love my mom, and it's not a Stockholm syndrome kind of thing, she’s helped me and provided for me for my school, for my hobbies and such. She could get a bit too carried away and be more passionate about it than I am, that’s probably the only deviation from us. I’ve been starting to realize my mom is trying to live her childhood through me, as I was born as an American. It’s not so bad to be honest, it has helped me academically. The way that my mom approaches me when she lectures me or tries to help me is when I take things personally. Her first instinct is to tell me that I am very dumb, and I’m not saying this because it hurts my ego, but it genuinely hurts, imagine your own mom telling you you're dumb all the time everyday for doing what you like or making small errors. The part that really sets me off writing this entry is the fact how my mom loves to make me feel small and a horrible person. God how much I hate when my mom does that. Especially when it comes to my sister. Just because I get annoyed with my little sister and have a slight outburst of annoyance towards my sister, my mom thinks and I’m treating her abusively. Using THAT vocabulary to describe me is very hurtful. She also loves to say how I break and ruin everything and I am a destructive person. Dude, she's literally talking about the wrong person, my sister is the one that breaks all of her toys and throws the same toys at her bedroom door. That’s like painting me as the villain. I think that’s the reason why I relate to a character like Eren Yeager so much. Eren starts to become painted as this evil person by the enemy and practically everyone around him because of his end goal. He believes that what he is doing is right and is trying to free everyone from the chains that history has binded them to. He’s not exactly a bad person for wanting to free everyone and protect his friends. The deviation between me and him is that I don’t have the destructive power to decimate cities.
Like all what I’m trying to say is that I want to feel happy. Genuine happiness. Sure the economy is going to shit, sure Trump is becoming a totalitarian dictator, sure there’s a lot of bad stuff going on in the world that may or may not affect my personal life, but I just want to go home to a supportive life and not feel stressed 24/7. I want my mom to be open to the kind of people I like and the kind of stuff I like instead of her disrespectfully judging me all the time.
You know what I’m not on a warpath to have everyone hate me, the thing is no one understands me, no one really likes being around me. That is why I am not genuinely happy with my life and myself. Something bad always has to happen to me that ruins my whole day and ruins my whole mood. I mean what is stopping me from just disappearing? My mom doesn’t even want me living in her house because she thinks I am a liability and abusive to my sister. None of my friends really don’t want to live with me because they don’t want to put up with more bullshit than they need to. I go my whole life saying so and so is a piece of shit scum of the earth, but in reality I guess it was all karma coming back to me. And I feel like it’s even more apparent now more than ever that the world just hates me. In high school, I thought that everyone hated me because of who I was, I had the genuine feeling that EVERYONE didn’t like me because it was a small school. Now that I am in college and I barely know anyone except for 10 people, I just feel even worse about myself.