ROBCO INDUSTRIES UNIFIED OPERATING SYSTEM

"My Own Worst Enemy"

I hate myself. I hate the fact that I'm not as cool as I see myself. I'm sad that I'm never well liked by anyone. I'm sad I'm losing all my friends due to my incompetence. My biggest grudge is that I hold my closest friends with such high regard for them to not even think about me. They say I'm just living my life, that's fine but I want to do things and I invite them, they don't want to do anything with me. I also hate myself for instigating and starting bs. It pains me to my soul to hear my bestest friends tell me I'm annoying or they hate me. It's not like I already have enough of that in my own house; they just have to go on top of that. My half sister is always punching me and yelling at me and locking me in another room all because she doesn't like when i take care of her. I know she's little but damn I literally take care of you and you consciously treat me like this. My own mom, literally always getting on my case for everything, always threatening to kick me out of the house and getting mad at me for all the damn little things. With that environment I want to go into a new one where I'm respected and don't have to prove anything or prove my worth as a person. Is it really my own doing? Am I really my own worst enemy? Am I truly prohibiting myself from being the person I view myself because I'm not self aware of my actions. According to my friends, yes yes yes and yes. Something tunde keeps telling me is that I love to play the victim card, I don't know if I even do it. Using this idea of a victim card, I'll say that a lot of the reason why I subconsciously act like an asshole or just a generally bad person is because I was raised by a not so good person, my mom. And as much as I like to think I got my good traits from my mom I think I subconsciously learned a lot of stuff from my mom. I know this is no way to treat anyone let alone my close friends but I don't know what's wrong with me I truly don't. I don't want to be seen as the monster or the villain, I want to be seen as the friend and ally. I don't want to be known as that all my life. You know how hard it is walking around a COLLEGE campus and running into people from HIGH SCHOOL and based on little gestures and time that they still don't like you. Like damn, put some damn respect to my name. What I truly want is to be happy. Respected by all and not needing to prove anything. I want to be a good person that everyone loves and is always getting invited to stuff because everyone loves him. WHY CAN'T I NEVER HAVE ANY OF THAT. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE DOOMED MONSTER BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY ONE. I DONT WANT TO BE SAD AND ALONE BECAUSE I AM A MONSTER. Sometimes I like to think, if my friends really don't like me or have problems with me, would they care? If I were to disappear from social media or from life, would they care enough to try to contact or find me? It leaves me thinking that maybe the person I am to others isn't the person I envisioned myself to be. And its not an ego thing, I'm living in a time of my life where my appearance, both physical and reputable, matter a lot. If I'm always having my friendships on the verge of breaking up, I'm probably a really bad person and that could also lead me to not even having any good relationships. It makes me very sad that everyone has a stained view of me. I know I shouldn't care what people think about me, but doesn't that ENABLE THE NO SELF AWARENESS? Like I'm starting to think all of this is a double edged sword. I feel like I need to make good apologies to these guys and hopefully they don't brush it off. If I'm genuinely a bad person and a monster and a villain then that's my fate, as much as I detest the idea of fate even when I do all I can to try to be a good, respected person. And from my friends, I just want some support for the stuff I do because I don't even receive that at home. Thanks mom for teaching me to be you.