I have had a long break since I’ve been on this website. And I have learned a lot to be honest in that time. First of all I want to make something clear: I believe that I am an unlucky person. Many things in my life don't go the way I plan it to no matter what I do or what advice I follow. And I talk to a lot of people to get an idea of what I can do. Maybe it's because I am “stubborn” or “I only listen to want to listen” as most people would say, but I would have to disagree. I think that these people I go to refuse to see the world how I view it.
I live a very hard life, things get very overwhelming for me daily. Just to name a few things: My mom thinks I’m a threat to her, my dad doesn’t care about me, I’m falling behind in my classes because I feel depressed, I have to pay back my mom for crashing her car. The only things that kept me happy and gave me hope were my closest friends. To be honest with you, I probably would’ve taken my own life if it weren’t for them, they got me through some rough ass times in my life. But right now, I’m going through a really rough time, and the worst part is that I don't have my closest friends by my side to support me. I know the reason why they aren’t here to support me: it's the amount of verbal abuse and disrespect I show these guys, and looking back these guys didn’t have to put up with all of that so I don’t blame them for laying down the hammer this time. The underlying reason why I treated them the way I did was because I am mentally not well. There has been so much crazy shit that has happened to me during high school; it took the optimism, hope, and wonder I had out of my soul. I am a person who processes emotions in a different way because I never grew up in a traditional family, I grew up in a very work oriented, ‘crabs in a bucket’ mentality environment, and have experienced too much emotional pain. For the longest time I was in denial but I admit it: I am a person who actually needs therapy, but I am too lazy and too broke to go. The only other alternative I had to being heard and letting go of these bottled up feelings were my closest friends. Unfortunately a lot of other feelings got crossed on how I viewed the world compared to how they saw it. I’d feel jealousy and bitter towards others who I assumed had better lives than me, because they lived the life I wished I had. I’d feel anger and jealousy of others because of how others respected them because I always craved that amount of appreciation and respect. I’d feel anger and hatred towards people who didn’t deserve the good things that happened to them because they were horrible people and I have suffered more. All of these soon just started to turn into anger and hatred. My dad has even commented that he thinks I “am a very angry person on the inside” and one of my closest friends believes I “have just been on a path of self sabotage.”
Now we turn to my friends. We were often on the same wavelength about most things so most opinions I had about things, they would most likely agree because they share the exact same thought. But not when it came to how I viewed the world. They would often comment on how much hatred I carried when I talked about something so trivial, we would never see eye to eye on the situations I told them about. Because of this disagreement we would often get into fights on a discord call because of my bitter hatred of the world. These fights are often the result of me projecting my insecurities and hatred onto these guys. Like I said previously, they put up with it for a LONG time. The more I think about it and reflect, they were and have always been right. I should have just told them about how I felt and not take out on these guys.
Since I have the worst degree of mommy issues ever, I thought getting a girlfriend would lessen the emotional pain I have from my mom. When I got my first girlfriend, I wasn’t even thinking about the emotional pain, but I did grow very close to her. Even though she was crazier than I was, I gave me so much emotional pain when we broke up and ever since then I’ve been looking for a girl to fill that whole, but DEFINITELY one not as crazy as she was (holy fuck). My friend told me about this manga called Good Night Punpun, it follows this dude, Punpun (who is portrayed as a bird in a hyper realistic world) and he lives a pretty miserable life with a pretty sad upbringing. His childhood friend, Aiko, is his idealized flawless angel to come and save him; she will fix everything in his life because of how she used to make him feel. But unfortunately after they reunite, Punpun realizes she's not this flawless angel he imagined her to be and he self sabotages the relationship because of it. Where I’m going with this is I feel like I’ve been falling into the same trap, each new girl I get into a talking stage with. Like I have this vision that the perfect girl (Rukia Kuchiki) is going to come into my life and fill me with hope and I cling onto this idea, but like Punpun it is an unhealthy false hope to cling on.
Before the event that damaged the friendship, I was actually planning a personal phase I called my 'Hueco Mundo Arc.' The plan was to intentionally distance myself from superficial distractions, casual acquaintances, and dating, just to build myself up mentally while holding onto my closest friends. Like Ichigo Kurosaki in Bleach—he completely abandoned orders and went rogue into a desolate world because he felt he had to carry the burden alone. Except in my story, there was no girl to rescue. The only person I am trying to save is myself. And now I don’t have my closest friends to hold onto, so I’m going into this as a Ketil’s Farm Arc rather than a Hueco Mundo Arc. Just hollow and alone.
One of the advice that my friends told me is to focus on something and have motivation to work on it and then I’ll forget about all of the crappy stuff in my life because I’ll be focused on this one thing. Yet the part that doesn’t make me feel better is that I pretty much suck at EVERYTHING I DO, no matter if I actually try. Let's take for example something as simple as video games. Sure someone who plays a long time can get better at it with practice and someone who has never played it before can be at the same level with hidden talent. But for me, I'm just so unlucky I suck at everything. And because I suck at everything I have no drive to do anything outside of academics, because academics offer a rigid binary of right and wrong—a system where I can find safety, even if it is policed by entirely arbitrary standards of quality. And because of my lack of talent and my current mentality, I lack any motivation to do anything, while barely managing to scrape by in school adequately. Even now I have to pick up a part time mundane job to pay back my mom and that just reinforces the Slave Arc I am in mentally.
I know things suck right now, but there is one thing I have learned from my close friends: You just gotta wait it out until things turn around. Slowly but surely that is the key to life, you just gotta see it through until the end. I do miss talking to my close friends and hopefully things can turn around, maybe having this job will make me feel more confident and independent. I have all the right to feel sad and hollow, but I just need to keep moving. In the words of Glen Campbell: “I’ll be lucky someday.”